Regrets and Mistakes
by Peridot-chan
Summary: [One-shot][RC] Rath reflects on his life and what he wishes he hadn't done, including his one biggest mistake. Rated for implied suicide.


_Uhmm..... I've been harboring this little fic in my mind for a couple of days. Had to get it out before I exploded. So here it is._

**Disclaimer: I'm pathetic and I can't draw. If I owned Dragon Knights, no one would read it. I don't even know why they read my fanfiction... o.O**

**Regrets and Mistakes**

_A Dragon Knights fanfic_

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I'm sitting here on the edge of your bed. I have a perfect view of your balcony from my position here. The same balcony where I asked you if I could hold you so many nights ago. Your embrace... I still remember haw warm and comforting it was, though I have long lost all feeling. I remember how right it felt, just to have you in my arms. I never wanted to let you go, in spite of the fact that I was still convinced I shouldn't have come back.

And now I know I shouldn't have. Just look at the mess I've made of this world. Nadil's back, I put you in terrible danger. I'm sorry. And you'd better remember that because it's not something I say often. Yes, I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I know you try to hide it, but from here, your grief is obvious.

Now I want nothing more than to comfort you. I know I can't, but I want to. So I rise from my seated position and cross the room to venture out on the balcony where you stand, shivering in the cold night air. You do not hear me. I approach to stand beside you; you see me not. I whisper your name to the chilled air; you take no notice.

It's not that you're ignoring me. I know you wouldn't do that. Once again, I ask you if I can hold you. You make no response, so I wrap my arms around you without consent. You don't feel my embrace, nor do you see my face in front of your own.

Now that I'm this close, I can see that it was not the cold that had you shivering. Your face is tear streaked and your eyes are focused on an unknown point, far in the distance. Why are you crying? Is it for me? I know that it couldn't be. I've hurt you too much. You would never cry for me.

I don't really know what it is like to cry. The only time I can remember that I've ever cried was when you told me of Kai-Stern's sacrifice. I don't remember much of that, though. All I can remember is being angry. I don't remember sadness, the emotion most often associated with tears. I was angry, nothing more. He had broken his promise, and now I would never know what he was doing at Emphaza.

One thing I do remember is when you kissed me. It caught me by surprise, but I distinctly remember the feel of your soft lips against my skin. You don't know how long I've wanted to feel that again. Your touch was calming, reassuring. Whether it was the soft press of your lips against my flesh or the pressure of your hand on mine, it was bliss. You took away all of my pain.

That was something I thought only death could do, and so I tested my theory. Well here I am. You cannot hear me, see me, feel me. I'm gone and I leave behind my physical pain, but with me I carried my sorrow and remorse. I regret to no end that I never could tell you what I felt. Now it's too late. All I can do is be here; a surreal existence is all I possess. I am lost to you. I am lost to everyone.

Death holds no solace for me. Everything I thought was wrong. It is far worse to be and not be known than to lead a painful but recognized existence. The worst decision of my life was to end it. Consequences, I've learned, can be far worse than imaginable.

I am drawn out of my somber reflections by your sweet voice. You whisper one word into the darkness. You do not know it, but you whisper it into my ear. It is my own name.

But why? Why would you call out my name? Could it really be that you're crying for me? Well, fallacious or otherwise, I think I'll keep that and hold it as a truth. It gives me little comfort, but any source of light, no matter how small, is welcome in my world of utter darkness. I will cling to this small comfort, with all of the nothing I have.

I know you will not hear me, but I feel the need to say this, even though I know it will fall on unhearing ears.

"I'm sorry, Cesia. I love you."

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_I wrote this in half an hour, so it's nowhere near as descriptive or lengthy as I would like, but I felt like I needed more than two stories. And I just wanted to write this down before the idea exploded in my head and I had a total mental breakdown. Soooo... It's short, and Rath killed himself. Not much else to say except please don't flame me but drop a review?_


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